Tom is my sassy gay friend. Back before I got pregnant, he had this habit of coming to visit me about once a month. I never knew exactly when he would show up on my doorstep. When he did show up, he would usually stay with me for about a week, and he would drive me up the wall. I always wanted to close the door in his face and tell him to leave me alone, but you can't just treat a sassy gay friend like that, ya know? Any attempt to tell him that I didn't. want. to. be. his. hotel. for a week each month just went in one ear and out the other.
Tom has the extraordinary ability of knowing just what buttons to press to annoy me. His presence is like a constant, yucky twinge in my stomach. He makes me feel like poop, he really does. He's the type of friend who makes me want to curl up on the couch and never go out in public; the type of friend you know you'd be better off without, but you don't know how to get rid of them.
Then I got pregnant.
Tom, it appears, does not like pregnant women. That sounds horrible, I know, but... he just can't stand being around preggos. I'm pretty sure Tom has a 6th sense and knew I was pregnant before I did because one month he just didn't show up. (I found out I was pregnant a few days after I realized Tom hadn't come to visit yet. I don't know how he figured it out before me.)
I have enjoyed 9 Tom-free months and it has been wonderful.
Then I realized: Tom has no problem being around babies.
I remember being in the shower the other day and all of a sudden getting this yucky feeling on my insides as I realized that I would soon have to put up with Tom again. For a moment - a brief moment - I wished I could stay pregnant forever. My super-easy pregnancy has been a piece of cake compared to Tom's annoying monthly visits.
Sadly, I cannot escape Tom. So I'm just enjoying my last Tom-free days while I can.
Oh yeah... and TOM is an acronym.
It stands for Time Of Month.
**Thank you to Lela B. for first introducing me to the idea of "TOM"